Tuesday Morning Thoughts: Extra, Extra

1. Jarred Allen has to be the ugliest football player I have ever seen. What was with his half shaved, half long Mullet? I guess when you’re ugly, you might as well go all out on the ugly. There must be some psychological threshold that once you’re past a certain point of ugly, people just tend to see you as having a weird haircut, instead of looking at your beat down face. I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going on with Youkim Noah and Drew Gooden.

2. I wonder when the Fat Boy Williamses of the Vikings will get suspended. At this rate, I’m guessing it happens in the year 2012. I don’t understand why it takes 4 months for an NFL suspension to take effect. I understand the due process rights of the players and the right to appeal a decision. But it shouldn’t take longer than an actual court case to figure these things out.

3. The Bears need to erase the fullback hand-off from their playbook.

4. I can’t figure out if the Beyonce Direct TV commercial is a parody or a legit commercial. Surely, it’s a parody right? It’s absurd with the bling, large “upgrade” necklace, and Beyonce’s half naked body. But, there’s a slim chance that they think this is a proper commercial, right? I mean her music videos are even more exaggerated and ridiculous then the commercial. I just don’t know. Pleasant on the eyes, but very confusing.

5. I also can’t stand the Subway foot-long commercial. It’s as annoying as five, 3 year olds at Thanksgiving dinner. In fact, you’re probably singing the dumb song right now. “Five dollar…. five dollar… five dollar- foot loonngg”. Plus, there is clearly a homoerotic thing going on.

6. Plexiglas’s accidental gunshot wound provides further support why I will never own a gun. The off chance that your gun will go off and strike your livelihood while it rests on your waist, seals the debate for me. I’ll take my chances with my fists (let’s be honest, my running ability or cat like reflexes) versus having a penis shooting canon on my waist.

7. Did anyone else notice that the NBC Football Night in America and halftime show are just one long advertisement? They’re not even pretending to conceal it. Its right out there. Hawks vs. Red Wings at Wrigley, Howie Mandel dumb show # 2, the stupid Heroes promos, and some other completely stupid show plug in. It’s embarrassing. Some of the best on air talent we have: Costas, Collinsworth, Dan Patrick, Olberman have become actors in a one hour infomercial for NBC TV.

8. I keep hearing commentators saying that the Giants should de-activate PlexiGlas for the year after his shooting incident. I don’t completely understand this. I can see them wanting to part ways after the season. But they are Super Bowl bound and definitely a better team with PlexiGlass. I don’t really want to defend him, but isn’t a bullet in his thigh punishment enough? Unless he can’t play this year because of the wound, I just don’t get the hatred towards the guy. Didn’t Jared Allen get arrested 3 times in the span of 2 years for DUIs? Isn’t that ten times worse than what PlexiGlas has done this year? I wonder if commentators would suggest that Jared Allen be kicked off the team if he accidently shot himself. I know what your saying: its different because PlexiGlas has been a malcontent this year to the Giants. But, isn’t 3 DUIs worse than being late for a team meeting? I don’t know. I just think it’s a little unwarranted and premature to argue that he should be kicked off the team. He is stupid though.

9. Can we put the Kurt Warner for MVP argument to rest? He is (was) playing great. But, did we forget that he still plays for Arizona? How does an average Arizona team have a leading candidate for MVP? This is another example of the 5 minute memory going into effect. We’ve somehow forgotten that the Cardinals are one of the worst franchises in sports history. MVPs should be given to players who play for top performing teams, which would exclude the Arizona Cardinals.

10. At the start of the season, I complained that Mark Bradley should have been playing more reps versus guys like Rashied Davis and Marty Booker. I thought that Bradley had more upside, despite his injury history. Mark Bradley was eventually cut by the Bears and was picked up by the Kansas City (one of the worst teams in the NFL). Despite playing roughly half the games as Booker and Davis, Bradley has put up over 300 yards receiving and 3 TDs (in 5 games). Booker? 183 yards and 2 TDs (in a full season). Davis? 396 yards and 2 TDs (in a full season). So the Bears cut (not even traded) a WR who is much more productive per game. Instead, they kept two underperforming players: One on the last leg of his career and the other should still be playing arena football. Actions like these by the Bears management make me question my loyalty to this franchise.


Extra:

1. Peter King didn’t say one word about the Vikings and Bears in his MMQ (except for his power rankings). I seriously believe that he hates the Bears for some reason. We didn’t even get a bashing for our stupid offensive play calling.

2. Lebron James’ talcum powder commercial threatens Budweiser’s “Drinkability” commercial for the current worst commercial award. First, Lebron completely stole his talcum powder pregame ritual from MJ and Pippen. But of course, he had to make it his own by stupidly pouring a gallon of powder on his hands and throwing it in the air. Seriously, one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. Then Nike tries to glorify it with the most insane and random commercial ever. People are just throwing talcum powder on themselves? Cut to the scene of powder on a donut? Then to a scene with a girl with powder on her face. Then, random people clapping with fistfuls of powder in their hands. Just terrible.

3. Follow up on the Budweiser Drinkability commercial. Budweiser ran an ad this Sunday explaining a survey which asked people to describe what “drinkability” meant to them. Some people said that it meant that the drink went down easily, or it felt good going down, and some other random answers (which only proves how stupid the commercial was). Then Bud explained that drinkability meant none of these things. Instead, it simply means that Budweiser tastes better. Are you f’n kidding me? Drinkability means that it tastes better? Yeah, that makes sense. Even worse, for some reason these retarded commercials have random drawings attached to people (a large baseball glove drawn in white outline to a real character playing baseball). How this has anything to do with drinkability or “tasting better” I have no idea. I also presume Bud also has no idea.

4. Lance Armstrong is going to Race in the 2009 Tour de France. Lance should talk to someone who cares. Notify me when he’s dating someone hot again.

5. Proponents of the BCS (also known as the Cavemen from the Geiko Commercials) argue that some games and conference championships are a de facto playoff system. Funny, I thought they said playoffs were a bad thing. Secondly, it’s not a playoff if the winner is not guaranteed to advance to the BCS Championship Game (i.e. Missouri isn’t advancing if it wins the Big 12 Title game).

6. I’m on fire today with my thoughts. Must have been the all the food I ate this past weekend.

7. Pumpkin Pie is underrated. I still remember the first time I had it. I was in 1st grade. I had never seen such a strange dessert before. Oh so delicious. The creaminess, the pumpkin flavor, the sweetness of the whipped cream, and the delicate touch of cinnamon and nutmeg. Mmmm.

8. Detroit should be relegated to playing itself on Thanksgiving Day at a random suburban Michigan family’s lawn, with 5 people watching. And, it should not be telecast anywhere.

9. What in the world is going on with Thomas Jones? I thought he was an average RB with the Bears. I actually still think he is. That Jets OL is opening him up some giant holes. Plus, I think just having Brett Favre back there makes teams back off and respect the passing game.