Tuesday Morning Thoughts: Let’s Play Who Did They Draft?

A lot of NFL Draft, some Bulls, and one Pulp Fiction.

1. You’re a team with credibility issues and a vast history of retaining players with “off-the-field” problems. In fact, the stripes on your uniform make the perfect analogy to the stripes on prison inmate’s uniforms. Current players include a head case (Chad Ocho Cinco), a wide receiver with a rap sheet longer than the SEC’s GAAP accounting rules (Chris Henry) and a player arrested for gun charges (Tank Johnson). So who do you draft? Of course, Andre Smith (OT Alabama) the biggest head case in the entire draft. Ladies and Gentleman your Cincinnati Bengals.

2. Like Paris Hilton in a Scorsese movie, you’re team is inept and lost. You have a history of paying veteran players tons of cash, only to see them underperform (Randy Moss/Joe Horn/Javon Walker). What do you do in the draft? Of course, select Darrius Heyward Bey instead of the proven and better Michael Crabtree. Well done. Oh wait, how can the Raiders mess up their draft even more? Taking what most people consider an undrafted free agent in the 2nd round (Michael Mitchell (sounds like the guy from Arrested Development). Ladies and Gentleman your Oakland Raiders.

3. Like the Bungles, your team has a history of players with “off-the-field” issues (think Randy Moss and the classic Vikings boating scandal). Who do you pick in the draft? Percey Harvin a player who smoked weed knowing that he would be tested for it at the Combine. Percey Harvin literally blazed up thousands of dollars my smoking up. Ladies and Gentleman your Minnesota Vikings.

4. You’re a team with a tragic history of drafting offensive players, especially wide receivers, only to see said players flame out or bust. Your team just went 0-16 and likely fielded the worst defensive unit in the history of the NFL. Who do you draft with your first round draft picks? Mat Stafford (QB) and Brandon Pettrigrew (TE). Again two offensive players. Ladies and Gentleman your Detroit Lions.

5. You’re a team with a history of having no balls, trading down, only to get players from Division 3 college or “Combine” stat players. Who do you draft/trade back for? Johhny Knox, from you guessed it, Abilene Christian. Ladies and Gentleman your Chicago Bears. (PS. I could actually care less, we have CUTLER!!!).

More random thoughts.

6. Do you realize that Marvin Lewis is still the coach of the Cincinnati Bungals? In six years, his team has gone 46 and 49. Six glorious seasons of mediocre to terrible performances. I guess the Bengals just need a little more time to see if Lewis is their man. There GM must be thinking, “Hmmm, well he’s only been here 6 years, but I am still not sure what to make of the guy. We need more time. Yeah, let’s see what he can do in year 7”.

7. 10 years from now we will look at this draft and likely conclude that it was not that great. The only star players are likely Crabtree and maybe Stafford (read huge bust potential), plus a couple of random guys we are overlooking at this point.

8. Del Negro saved his timeouts. Del Negro must be learning and growing as a coach. Great, Del Negro’s gone from JV high school coach to WAC college coach.

9. Ben Gordon.

10. If Phil Jackson was the Chicago Bulls’ head coach, I have no doubt in my mind that Rajon Rondo would be having a mediocre series. I could see Jackson putting a tall athletic player on Rando and force him to shot over him (think Pippen). Although, that player may not exist on the Bulls’ roster (Maybe Salmons, possibly Tyrus? Who is that guy we picked up the draft a few years ago. The Sudanese/Egyptian/British dude? Deng! yeah that's it. Whatever happened to him?)

11. DeeeeTROIT BASKETBAAALL…. Stinks.

12. I couldn’t stand the ABC commentators on Sunday. Van Gundy is almost as annoying as Bill Walton. I missed Stacey King.

13. I want to punch Perkins, Glen (I am a fat baby) Davis and Kevin Garnett in the face. Of yeah, and Doc Rivers annoys me too.

14. Oh yeah, Paul Pierce thinks he got fouled… on every play.

15. Why does Mel Kipper give that smug, weird nodding, squinty eyed facial expression every time he’s finished talking about an NFL prospect?

16. The Swine flu. Want some bacon? No man, I don't eat pork. Are you Jewish? Nah, I ain't Jewish, I just don't dig on swine, that's all. Why not? Pigs are filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals. Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood. Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense enough to disregard its own feces. How about a dog? Dogs eats its own feces. I don't eat dog either. Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal? I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way. Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true? Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charming motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?