Tuesday Morning Thoughts: Acting

Mad Men Actress.

You ask what acting has to do with sports. Well, if you play futbol or are Manilu Ginobli, Andres Nocioni and for that matter, most NBA superstars, you know that acting is a big part of the game. It seems to me that Alan Iverson is simply pretending to be an all-star these days. Anyway, on to the random thoughts.

1. Actors really, really, really take themselves way too seriously. As evidenced by any Bravo Actor’s Studio interview, Golden Globe Awards, or SAG awards, actors seem to think that what they do is very, very important. This isn’t to suggest that it’s irrelevant, but it’s not like these people are curing Aids. Yeah, you won an “Actor” for best ensemble in a comedy series. Take it easy blond actress that no one knows from 30Rock. No big deal here.

2. Secondly, why do all female actresses who accept an award on stage seem like they just ran a marathon before speaking. Kate Winslet (who I like) performed her acceptance speech for best supporting actress in the SAG awards like she had just finished the Boston Marathon. Its only about 10-20 yards to the stage from your seat, you shouldn’t be huffing and puffing like John Goodman after his walk to the refrigerator- Especially, when you consider that that these actors work out 3 hours a day.

3. I wish these award shows would stop it with the lame, reading from the teleprompter jokes they do. If you’re giving out the award for best actor, maybe your award show shouldn’t look like a high school/public access TV program. There is nothing more apathetic than someone reading a joke off of a teleprompter. It’s sort of like forcing yourself to be emotional after an Obama speech, even though he’s just reading some irrelevant and clichéd speech that his speech-writer wrote 4 hours ago.

4. Just show us all of your breasts already. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but the half-naked dresses the actresses are wearing leave very little to the imagination. We can see every pimple, vein, and blemish on your breast--just shows us the nipple already. Which I guess only goes to show how valuable the nipple is. Think about it. I can see 99% of the women’s breast, but it isn’t totally gratifying until I see the remaining 1% nipple; A simply amazing body part.

5. Speaking of breasts, as a straight male, I just don’t now to feel about the large breasts of the 55 plus year actresses I see. Merryl Streep has bigger breasts than most porn stars.

6. Okay, back to sports. What sport does the best acting job on the court/field? It has to come down to basketball and futbol players. 5 years ago futbol would have taken this prize by a long shot. But, the enforcement of yellow cards for dives and acting has dramatically reduced this part of the game. I would actually argue that basketball players are now worse at faking a foul than futbol players. Every offensive foul in the NBA now seems like an academy award winning scene. Queue the special effects guys from the Matrix- Lights! Camera! Action! “Basketball player attached to invisible wire, flops and jumps in the air 20 feet”.

7. Who is the worst flopper? It’s hard to narrow down. But obviously, the list includes Nocioni, Ginobli, and every foreign player in the NBA. I would also include Allen Iverson in the mix. Not for flopping, but every time he goes to the hoop, he’s just looking for a foul. Just lunging his body into the opposing player. I don’t think he even looks at the hoop anymore. Anytime a player throws himself, yells, screams and shrieks just to get a foul, he should now be slapped with a technical. We could just call it the “AI” foul.

Oh yeah, James Posey is a flopping, dirty #@$%^. I hate that dude.

8. To be fair, flopping or diving reflects the lack of quality of officials. Players don’t flop for the fun of it. They flop because they think the referee won’t call a foul unless the player completes every reactionary stage of the foul. In the NBA, it’s not an offensive foul, unless you fall to the floor, scream and clutch your leg; which is an improper interpretation of what an offensive foul is. As such, until the referees get better, you’ll continue to see more flopping.

This makes me wonder whether the NFL equivalent of flopping (defensive lineman faking a hold penalty), will take off. Holding in the NFL is the most inconsistent penalty called by referees. This suggests that we’ll soon see an increase in lineman exaggerating a holding call, just to get the referee’s attention. I’m pretty sure Adewale Ogunleye will perfect this acting technique.

9. Speaking of actors, Peyton Manning should have a second career as a comedic actor. His commercials are getting old and lame, but he is still excellent. I honestly wouldn’t mind him acting as a sidekick in a Farrelly Brothers’ movie. At least he would be better than Brett Fav—reh.

Back to actors…….

10. It’s weird seeing House speaking with his British Accent. I have to hand it to these British actors, (or American ones that go to a British accent) using an American Accent for an entire show or movie. I can’t even stick to a British accent for one sentence, let alone 7 seasons worth of episodes. Well done Laurie and the mustached cop from Batman. Absolutely brilliant.

11. Oh yeah, and Ann Hathaway is NOT pleasant to look at. Even relative to non-Hollywood types. Whereas the girl from Scrubs, (Sarah Chalke?) is completely underrated.