A.P. News
Mayo Clinic 8:45am
Doctors last week at the world renowned Mayo Clinic diagnosed the apathetic Chicago Bears with a severe case of Defensivitis. According to Dr. Rashmanthu, Defensivitis is a common medical condition that spreads throughout NFL locker rooms and specifically attaches itself to the cells of defensive players. Symptoms include: the inability to break a block, stop the run, stop the pass, or rush the passer. Fortunately, Dr. Ronald Beaverton a scientist from the University of Chicago discovered a cure for Defensivitis, which he appropriately named, "The St. Louis Cure". The St. Luois Cure was administered to the Bears on Sunday afternoon. The results so far, have been extremely successful. However, doctors are still unsure of the long term benefits of the medication. Dr. Beaverton commented, "we know that the St. Louis Cure will work on a one time basis, but whether it [will] continue to cure the Bears defensivitis against the Vikings next week or down the road against the Packers, is still highly questionable". When reached for comment, Adewale Ogunleye stated, "Its like somebody shot me up with HGH or steroids. I feel amazing. Yesterday, I was actually playing football and sacking the QB. There is nothing like the St. Louis Cure". The Bears coach, Lovie Smith commented in his long southern accent, "We'll we know who we are and we're not going to change [anything[. The system has worked before and it will work again. I don't think the St. Louis Cure had anything to do with it. We know we are a good football team".
Critics of the St. Louis Cure have argued that the drug only provides a short term solution to what is a long term disease. Dr. Richard Sexton believes that the drug simply masks the symptoms of defensivitis, which usually reappear only one or two weeks later. His concern is shared with fans of the Chicago Bears who are cautious about the long-term affects of the cure. One Bear fan was noted saying, " I wish we could play the Rams every week".
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